There’s nothing more exacerbating then dealing with a child melting down. Pretty soon I want to be on the floor kicking and screaming too. Here are some practical ways you can work at helping your child calm down in the heat of the moment. When practicing to be an emotion coach for your children, your main goal is to send them the message:
“I see you, I see your pain. I want to empathize with you, attune to and help you through it. I want to show you that even if I can’t fix your pain I can hold you in it. I want to show you I’m not afraid of your strong emotions and can be with you when you need me the most. I won’t abandon you.”
Essentially you are saying, “I love you, I will remind you of that and demonstrate that I’m not going anywhere especially when it’s hard. I will try to reassure you. I’m willing to go through hard things with you.”
You can even use the opportunity to point them back to Jesus for reassurance; explaining His unconditional love for them and His role as the ultimate Healer.
Remember, every moment is a teaching opportunity and a chance to connect with your child. Take a deep breath, tell yourself it doesn’t have to be perfect and just dive in!
TEN steps to calm the emotions of your child by engaging the frontal lobe:
If your child is too “wound up” encourage him or her to take a “break” or “cool down”. Be sure to avoid language like “time-out” if your child is used to “time-outs” as punishment. “Cool down” periods should be pleasant for the child, giving them permission to go to a calm and quiet place to engage in a soothing activity. Some children may not want this option because they want you to help them regulate their emotions.
(Note: Determine first whether your child’s behavior merits an immediate consequence or not. If so, implement it soon after validating their emotions as shown below).
Work at fixing the “emotional problem” first and look to connect with your child at this moment. State the emotion you observe but ask the child if you are correct. “Hunny, you seem so angry! Are you feeling frustrated about something?” Research shows that by having the child simply name the emotion as they are experiencing it, can soothe the nervous system because it engages the left lobe of the brain (center of language and logic) and may help the child to focus and calm themselves down. 1 (see reference below)
Ask questions and listen. Have the child explain their frustration or anger in the form of a story. You can ask questions like, “what happened right before you got upset?” “Then what happened?” “What did you do?” If you saw what happened, you can help the child tell the story of what took place which will validate their experience and further the calming.
Validate the child’s experience without judgment. “I can see why that would be frustrating. I would be upset too if that happened to me.” Help your child decide if they need space or need you to stay physically present.
*There are times my child is WAY too tired and despite my efforts of working through steps 2-4 she is disagreeable and out of sorts. In these rare cases, I have to reinforce a short “cool down period”; asking her to first calm down, then come to me when she is ready to talk.
Once the child is visibly more calm start problem-solving. “What could be different for next time?” “Is there something you did that didn’t make the situation better?” “How could you act differently next time?” Think of this conflict as an opportunity for connection. Encourage forward-thinking by having the child help you problem-solve for future situations.
*For very young children it may be necessary to give them 2 polar versions the “right” vs. “wrong” way since they may not yet be able to cognitively discern solutions.
If your child is still visibly upset, abandon step 5 and jump to step 1 OR get him or her moving. Have the child physically get up and move to improve circulation to their frontal lobe by running a lap or doing some jumping jacks.
Once you helped your child brainstorm and problem-solve for the future, you can now offer suggestions. Be more direct teaching them the appropriate behavior. In some circumstances, you can give them the words to use in another similar situation. For example: telling your 3-year-old, “Next time he hits you, you can say ‘STOP PLEASE’ really loud; let’s practice.”
‘Catch them being good’: Your greatest tool is AFFIRMATION! When you see your child engaging their frontal lobe such as showing compassion to a sibling, taking a step back and not hitting the child that took the toy away, or naming a feeling, etc. AFFIRM them for it and tell them specifically what they did well so they can associate a direct behavior with the affirmation.
Go easy on yourself. Witnessing your child break down is extremely difficult. Now is NOT the time to berate yourself for bad parenting or freeze and ignore your child while telling yourself “I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I’m gonna mess my kid up.” Watch out for labeling yourself, your parenting, or your child.
Lastly, once you have cooled down, reflect on what you learned? What didn’t go as well as you would have liked? What could you have done differently? Create a plan for next time. There is always room for improvement in a healthy parenting style.
References:
Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster
Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child. New York: The Random House Publishing Group.