Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
I don’t care what child you are on… your 1st or 4th…. every child is unique and each child-rearing experience will test you. Some of us may not find as much difficulty in these stages or experiences but most of us can relate to the challenge of them. For some, it might hit closer to home than expected.
As some of you may know, we just had another baby girl, Ava Grace who is already 2 months old (how did that happen?). A lot of this “new” motherhood stuff is fresh on my mind so I wanted to blog about it while I was in the thick of it; the highs and the lows. Due to the complexity of motherhood I decided to break up the topics into different posts about the various challenges one could face. Stay tuned for the next “challenge” coming soon. I hope you can find encouragement through some of my struggles as I wrestle with irrational thoughts and work to correct my distortions in this season of life. May God continue to bless you in this journey or in your journey to come.
~Challenge 1: The Birth Plan
This is a sensitive topic for many. Mainly because most can relate to having unexpected and unwanted changes to their very precise birth plans. At least that was the case for us. The births of our first two babies did not go as planned and I struggled with it for a long time. Our first born, Amelia, had the birth plan of all plans; like I actually typed it out. I planned to get to the hospital and push her out just like “every other mom has done” but despite my arduous efforts, after laboring for so long and pushing for almost 2 hours, I was ready to surrender and was beyond grateful for modern medicine. Baby #2, Clara, was a preemie and we knew she would be smaller so I tried for a VBAC but labor prolonged and pushing lasted just as long as Amelia with no progression. Once again I found myself back in the OR. This time my doctor said, “your body was just not meant to have babies like this…” he mumbled something about me having a disproportioned pelvis and said, “I would not try that again.” I felt discouraged but once I laid eyes on my precious baby it didn’t seem as important.
With our third baby we took our doctor’s advice by scheduling a C-section and somehow I felt shame with that decision; like I had failed and was opting for the less nobler path. I felt like I needed to explain my scheduled C-section to anyone who asked when she was due. I felt I needed to justify my surgery by explaining my two previous failed attempts, one of which was with a 5 lbs 9 oz premature baby! I felt weaker and lesser, as if my birth story wasn’t as powerful or as magical as others’. Despite all these irrational thoughts I do know that c-section moms are some of the bravest!
On October 29, 2018 I had no choice but to be brave. For some reason I struggled the most in this surgery out of all three of our girls. I think with my first two I had labored for so long and gave it my all that by the time they suggested a C-section I was ready. Yet this time with our third, Ava, it was the most traumatizing surgery for me. I believe it was the most shocking because I was too aware! It was so bizarre WALKING into the OR with my IV pole in tow as if checking into a hotel pulling along a luggage cart. Usually I’m already on a gurney arriving to the OR with a “let’s get this show on the road” type of attitude. But this time, I saw instruments I didn’t want to see, got my spinal, got cathed in front of a team of people I hoped would never have to see me like that (I tried closing my legs for privacy but it was no use since the spinal kicked in). I heard things this time I didn’t want to hear, like the doctor calling out “incision!” and snipping sounds. Dumbfounded, I asked my anesthesiologist what those sounds were and he told me, “you don’t wanna know.” Comforting eh?… I had no choice but to hold Jackson’s hand, breath deeply, push the fears out of my mind and think of seeing her at any minute for the first time! That’s the moment you have to be brave. You may not get the birthing tubs, the biggest pushes of your life, or the excruciating “ring of fire” but you’re a C-section mom. You get the warm blanket, the raised curtain, and the lifelong scar that will forever remind you of your precious child(ren).
Before I knew it I heard her cry and the happy tears came rolling down the sides of my face as I saw her. I felt her on my chest and it was all worth it! She was being brave and so was I. Nelson Mandela put it best when he said,
“the brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Experiencing this challenge as a new mom I believe it is important to stop and recognize our distortions and unwanted, unhelpful thoughts so we can work at refuting them. See mine below and how I’m working to correct those thoughts.
Post-birth distortions: “I’ll never be able to have that ‘magical’ natural birthing experience many women seem to have.” “I’ve failed somehow and don’t feel good enough since I can’t have my babies naturally. Could I have tried harder?” “I’m not as strong as those other Mummas.” “I’ll always have to explain why I have C-sections or people will think I just copped out.”
Instead, I choose to think: “Who says major surgery is copping out? Having a c-section doesn’t make me any less stronger and it definitely doesn’t determine my worth or ability to be a great mother.” “Yes, I will never know what it is like to have a vaginal birth but my c-sections are just as noble. I did not fail.” “I gave it my best and tried as hard as I could. I succeeded my goal since she came out successfully and healthy.” “I let go of my control and allowed others to help me! That is extremely noble and takes a lot of courage.” “I’m going to dwell on and celebrate the joyful aspects of my birthing experience.”
I want to challenge you to be careful what you say to yourself and others about your delivery. I find for myself it is easier to dwell on the more negative or scary aspects of my birthing experience even when there was so much going right. These days I’m trying to be more conscientious. I try to give an accurate, honest depiction of what it was like while ending with the highlights of the most beautiful parts. I try to express my most favorite parts like: meeting our precious Ava girl as they laid her on my chest; watching her calm down as her breathing soon mirrored mine and even getting to nurse her for the first time in the OR while I laid there still on the operating table. It was such a beautiful and sacred moment! My friend posted this quote the other day and I thought it was so applicable for this topic. Whether or not you had the birthing experience you wanted remember this:
“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find the joy in the story you are actually living.” ~Rachel Marie Martin
What a beautiful lesson to learn especially this time of year as a new one begins. If motherhood isn’t your season of life right now, I still challenge you to apply this quote to some aspect or area of your life.
Even when your birthing situation doesn’t pan out the way you want, it’s never helpful to dwell on the disappointment. Remember that it wasn’t about trying hard enough or wimping out. It was simply something beyond your control. Instead, find the JOY that lies within your story, write it down to lock the memory forever and boldly tell others about it.
What’s your JOY from your birthing story?
Everyone has that friend or acquaintance who had that “perfect”, unmedicated, home water birth that went “just right”. For some reason, within the last decade, these types of births seem to be glorified and recognized as the most valuable and noble. While these moms (rightly) need to be praised for their valiant efforts and accomplishments, we needn’t make the traditional hospital birth any less worthy.
Check out this article below that identifies the unique qualities of C-section moms.
https://www.scarymommy.com/truths-c-section-mamas/
Blessings,
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge 2: The Recovery!!!!!